"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11
There are some things that have been on my heart since having our little one and since I'm wide awake right now (but should be sleeping since Kaden will be wanting to eat in a few hours!) I thought I would try to put them into actual words here. I never thought I would have the wonderful feeling of being pregnant again and when I found out that I was it was with lots of mixed emotions. I had really come to terms; years before this; with that fact and this really didn't "fit" into what I thought out life was supposed to look like. Just another way God chose to show me that I'm really not in control of my life as much as I would like to think that I am. :) The 7 months that I had to prepare to meet our new little one was quite the journey for me. I went through so many different emotions and I'm thankful that I had that long to deal with them all! It was quite the roller coaster ride to say the least!
If feels almost like yesterday that I held my little guy for the very first time and I can still feel all those emotions that overcame me as I held him in my arms. It's a moment I will never forget! I had no idea just how much this little guy would change my life and fill my heart with such goodness. I know that God had His perfect timing on this and there is no better time than His. I remember going down to the nicu once I was able to get out of bed to see him and the tears that came once I was able to hold him again and how different they were from the ones when I found out I was pregnant. Those tears weren't necessarily the happiest ones as it was something that took me quite by surprise and as I said before had lots to work through with it all. They were definitely bittersweet ones at that time, but as I held him again in that room they turned to tears of joy and gratitude for the beautiful wonderful gift God had blessed us with. It's amazing how our hearts can change and accept what God has planned for us! At that moment, I couldn't imagine my life going any other way than what was happening and that little boy was just the beginning of something new for us; for me.
A couple of weeks after I had Kaden and after we had moved into our new place, I remember sitting on the couch holding him and listening to some praise and worship music and had a moment that I will never forget. It was so peaceful in our house and I was just enjoying snuggling with my little guy. The presence of God was strong in the room and it was like I could almost feel Him sitting right next to me. It was one of those things that hasn't happened to me too often but one that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is Him right there with you and it was so sweet and tender. All of the sudden all I could do was silently weep as I held my little guy and it was like a dam was breaking in my heart. It was as if God was whispering into my heart that "this was His gift to me and there was nothing that I had to do to earn it; it was His pleasure to give it so freely". The years of infertility had taken it's toll on my beat up soul and He was washing it clean as I sat there and held this new perfect baby in my arms and dripped my tears all over his head. It was then that God showed me that I had been holding onto some wrong thoughts and He wanted me to lay them at His feet and that is just what I did. The years and years that I had cried out to Him to bless us with more children had done something to my heart; something that wasn't good. I had built up some walls and some bad thinking that He was bringing to the surface. It was pretty painful to realize and to be feeling those emotions all over again but so very cleansing as well. I had to realize that I had thoughts all along that there was something that I had done to allow me to not get pregnant; something bad that would not allow God to bless me with the gift of more children. It wasn't something that I consciously thought about often but just an attitude that I had developed over the years that carried over into so many areas of my life. And for the first time in a long time, I was coming to terms that there was nothing I could have done or not done to allow that and He was releasing that in me and showing me that He is the giver of good gifts and the timing is all His! It was and forever will be a pivotal moment in my spiritual walk and one that I will hang onto dearly as I just sat there in His presence and let Him love on me as I loved on my little boy.
As I sit here writing this, I'm again listening to worship music and my heart is taking me right back to that moment and just how sweet it was. He is so good to us and wants to give us such good gifts. I can't help to wonder how many times I have refused to take something good from Him when He wanted to give it to me so freely but I was caged up in my own thoughts of unworthiness and unable to accept them. My heartcry is that I will not allow that wall to build up again and allow Him to be who He desires to be in my heart and life. I will forever be changed because of that moment and it's something I will carry with me forever. He is so good to us!