I'm grieving...

that is the best word I could come up with for what I've been going through lately.  I'm grieving so many things...
...the home I thought we would have forever in Asheville, NC
...the friends that I thought would be around me always and in my daily life
...the dreams of seeing my girl grow up with her best friends
...the memories that won't be made anymore in that place
...the laughter and realness I had with my close girlfriends there
...the ability to hang out at our friends homes
...the intimate relationships
...the beautiful mountains
...a business dying that took years to build up for my husband
....just so much!


I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that we are right where the Lord has brought us and we walked that out in obedience but it doesn't make it easy in the least!  It has really hit me hard this month and it's been a process dealing with all the emotions of it.  Tears and lonliness hit me at the strangest time sometimes.  Anger is there too.  Questioning why this so many times during the day.  Will I ever have any of the above again?  I think that is one of my greatest struggles right now.  I long for those relationships and I know they didn't happen overnight in Asheville but this part is just so hard.  Somedays I just want to close myself off and not have to deal with all the emotions that come with this new territory.  Depression has been knocking on my door almost daily and it's a fight to keep it out most days. 

But I have to tell myself that God is in control and our life is in His hands.  Some days are easier than others to believe that.  He knows the tears I cry, the lonliness I feel, the fighting against the depression I have to do, the questions I have, the uncertainty of it all.  And I know He is okay with all of that.  He is bigger than any of these emotions.

I'm trying to fill my days with music that draws me closer to Him and I fall back on some old songs that got me through some dark times.  This is one of them...

Holy, You are still holy
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes
Lord, I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection
Of Your love
And so I come into Your chamber
And I dance at Your feet, Lord
You are my Saviour
And I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life
Up 'til now
It belongs to You
You are still holy
Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign, You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change
Lord, I don't deserve your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion
To You
And so I come into Your chamber
And I dance at Your feet, Lord
You are my Saviour
And I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life
Up 'til now
It belongs to You
I belong to You
And so I come into Your chamber
And I dance at Your feet
You are my Saviour
And I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life
Up 'til now
It belongs to You
I belong to You
You are still holy
You are still sovereign
You are still holy, Lord
You are still righteous
You are all-knowing
You are still holy