HE is the giver of GOOD gifts!

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11

There are some things that have been on my heart since having our little one and since I'm wide awake right now (but should be sleeping since Kaden will be wanting to eat in a few hours!) I thought I would try to put them into actual words here.  I never thought I would have the wonderful feeling of being pregnant again and when I found out that I was it was with lots of mixed emotions.  I had really come to terms; years before this; with that fact and this really didn't "fit" into what I thought out life was supposed to look like.  Just another way God chose to show me that I'm really not in control of my life as much as I would like to think that I am.  :)  The 7  months that I had to prepare to meet our new little one was quite the journey for me.  I went through so many different emotions and I'm thankful that I had that long to deal with them all!  It was quite the roller coaster ride to say the least! 

If feels almost like yesterday that I held my little guy for the very first time and I can still feel all those emotions that overcame me as I held him in my arms.  It's a moment I will never forget!  I had no idea just how much this little guy would change my life and fill my heart with such goodness.  I know that God had His perfect timing on this and there is no better time than His.  I remember going down to the nicu once I was able to get out of bed to see him and the tears that came once I was able to hold him again and how different they were from the ones when I found out I was pregnant.  Those tears weren't necessarily the happiest ones as it was something that took me quite by surprise and as I said before had lots to work through with it all.  They were definitely bittersweet ones at that time, but as I held him again in that room they turned to tears of joy and gratitude for the beautiful wonderful gift God had blessed us with. It's amazing how our hearts can change and accept what God has planned for us!  At that moment, I couldn't imagine my life going any other way than what was happening and that little boy was just the beginning of something new for us; for me.  

A couple of weeks after I had Kaden and after we had moved into our new place, I remember sitting on the couch holding him and listening to some praise and worship music and had a moment that I will never forget.  It was so peaceful in our house and I was just enjoying snuggling with my little guy.  The presence of God was strong in the room and it was like I could almost feel Him sitting right next to me.  It was one of those things that hasn't happened to me too often but one that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is Him right there with you and it was so sweet and tender.  All of the sudden all I could do was silently weep as I held my little guy and it was like a dam was breaking in my heart.  It was as if God was whispering into my heart that "this was His gift to me and there was nothing that I had to do to earn it; it was His pleasure to give it so freely".  The years of infertility had taken it's toll on my beat up soul and He was washing it clean as I sat there and held this new perfect baby in my arms and dripped my tears all over his head.  It was then that God showed me that I had been holding onto some wrong thoughts and He wanted me to lay them at His feet and that is just what I did.  The years and years that I had cried out to Him to bless us with more children had done something to my heart; something that wasn't good. I had built up some walls and some bad thinking that He was bringing to the surface.  It was pretty painful to realize and to be feeling those emotions all over again but so very cleansing as well.  I had to realize that I had thoughts all along that there was something that I had done to allow me to not get pregnant; something bad that would not allow God to bless me with the gift of more children.  It wasn't something that I consciously thought about often but just an attitude that I had developed over the years that carried over into so many areas of my life.  And for the first time in a long time, I was coming to terms that there was nothing I could have done or not done to allow that and He was releasing that in me and showing me that He is the giver of good gifts and the timing is all His!  It was and forever will be a pivotal moment in my spiritual walk and one that I will hang onto dearly as I just sat there in His presence and let Him love on me as I loved on my little boy.  

As I sit here writing this, I'm again listening to worship music and my heart is taking me right back to that moment and just how sweet it was.  He is so good to us and wants to give us such good gifts.  I can't help to wonder how many times I have refused to take something good from Him when He wanted to give it to me so freely but I was caged up in my own thoughts of unworthiness and unable to accept them.  My heartcry is that I will not allow that wall to build up again and allow Him to be who He desires to be in my heart and life.  I will forever be changed because of that moment and it's something I will carry with me forever.  He is so good to us!  

Still in shock!!!!

Yep, that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now!  This week has been a whirlwind of new beginnings and one that I didn't think would ever happen!  And, quite honestly, had stopped hoping for a long time ago!  So you can imagine my surprise upon taking a pregnancy test because I hadn't been feeling too well for awhile and I have done that throughout the years to simply rule it out since I'm not that regular, and seeing it turn "pregnant" SO very quickly I didn't even have time to catch my breath!  Yes I just about hyperventilated!  The test said the results will show up in three minutes but I didn't get MY 3 minutes!  lol!  I think I'm going to write the company and tell them I want my 3 minutes before my world went upside down!  :)  So 4 tests later, you know one has to be sure about these things, I'm still very pregnant and to say the least in utter complete shock!

And to be honest, I"m still not too sure of my emotions with all of this!  For the first 2 days I just laughed! Really laughed!  And then last night the tears came hard.  I'm excited, scared, filled with awe, a little dreadful of the whole pregnancy thing, nervous, filled with complete joy, shocked and I'm sure more that I can't even put a name to just yet.  This is something that we have prayed for for years and something that took us by complete surprise!  I hadn't prayed for this in a LONG time!  God has definitely shown us that His timing is not ours!  I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it all!  The one thing I do know for sure is that He is faithful and His ways are far better than any we could try to make happen!  I'm going to have a baby at 39!  I always said that if nothing happen by 35 then that was it.  Well when you try for so long you just stop thinking about it eventually.  And of course, since we had tried so long we figured we surely didn't need to use any kind of protection!  What a silly concept huh?!  I don't think I"m laughing at that now!  :)  But you know we have only done the "deed" twice so I guess we should have tried sooner!  LOL!  Guess we are 2 for 2 now!  Just took a little longer to get around to the second time.  :)

We told Kiersten a few nights ago and she was pretty happy, to say the least!  She has been asking to adopt vigorously for years and now she can finally stop asking that question  because she is going to be a big sister!  I think that is the most exciting part of it all for me right now.  Having only one girl and knowing she would have no immediate family if something were to ever happen to us, has always made me sad to think upon.  But now she will have a little sister/brother to watch over and they will be together.  That alone brings me to tears of thankfulness!  She is beyond excited and already making stuff for the baby!  She it too cute!

We knew we were going to have new beginnings when we left Asheville, but this was definitely something that never crossed my mind that could be one of them!  I have to admit that I have been a little sad not being around familiar things during all of this but God is good and has placed people in my life here to fill that need.  But you can bet I'm going back to Asheville for the biggest baby shower ever!  :)  Okay I'm so not ready to even think about that stuff!

So here is our nice little family of three that just found out we are now 4!  Thank you Papa for your faithfulness!  We are overwhelmed by it all and don't understand the timing but thankful just the same!   Praying the shock will wear off soon!  I found this quote the other day and it pretty much sums up how we are feeling right now.

“A baby is God's opinion that life should go on. Never will a time come when the most marvelous recent invention is as marvelous as a newborn baby. The finest of our precision watches, the most super-colossal of our supercargo planes don't compare with a newborn baby in the number and ingenuity of coils and springs, in the flow and change of chemical solutions, in timing devises and interrelated parts that are irreplaceable.” Carl Sandburg

What would your sign say?

I read this blog yesterday and it really hit me...in a good way.  It made me think about the sign that would be around my neck.  And about the people around me and what I would see around their's.  It's been a pretty emotional time these past few months and I know depending on the day, I could where I different sign each one. Yesterday I think my sign would have said, "I'm so lonely and fighting off depression and trying to pull myself out of this so please be gentle with me"  I"m trying to be thankful for the little things and know that there are so many worse places I could be.  One day at a time is what I'm trying to do right now.  My prayer is that I will have compassion for those around me that I know could be carrying signs just like this around their necks.   And that no matter what sign you may be wearing I will be gentle and understanding with you.  I know someday I will look back on this time and hopefully see the good that has come out of it but for now I'm just trying to get through each day, one step at a time. 

The Land Between

"It occurs to me it is not so much the aim of the devil to lure me with evil as it is to preoccupy me with the meaningless. " — Donald Miller

  This past month or I should say months have been  pretty hard for me.  It was kind of like life just stopped being fun (for the lack of any better word) maybe interesting would be more like it.  Emotions were coming out of me that I didn't know what to do with.  My answer as of late, was to just sleep.  Amazing how you just don't feel anything when you sleep...it's a wonderful thing!  But the problem with sleeping, is that you have to wake up sometime and the emotions are right there in your face yet again.  

I started a book a couple of days ago that has spoke to that place in my heart that I so needed it to.  God has been speaking to me all along I know but for some reason, today my ears are hearing again.  The book is called The Land Between and here is one quote that really spoke to me...

"I firmly believe that the Land Between - that space where we feel lost or lonely or deeply hurt - is fertile ground for our spiritual transformation and for God's grace to be revealed in magnificent ways. But in addition to being the bearer of mercy, I also have the privilege of challenging God's people to holiness, and while the Land Between is prime real estate for faith transformation, it is also the space where we can grow resentful, bitter, and caustic if our responses are unguarded. The wilderness where faith can thrive is the very desert where it can dry up and die if we are not watchful."

It was more than just moving that put me in this spot. It's something that I'm still trying to put my finger on completely but what matters now is that I see I have been making the choice to not allow God to use this time for something good.  Today I'm choosing to not let the devil preoccupy me with meaningless.  I have purpose and even if I don't know what that is right now in this spot, I can still do something.  I don't know what that is just yet but instead of sleeping my time away I'm going to do something different.  It begins with one step and today I'm taking that one step to something different; something positive.  One step at a time...I know that is all God asks of me and I'm thankful that I know that step is in the right direction today.  And thankful for the many ways God has used others to speak to me, especially in the past few days.

Your Hands

I am pretty sure I have posted this before but it's on my heart today and this song has truly become a lifeline to me during this time of change in our lives.

I have caught myself worrying about our finances and what our future looks like and I don't want to be that way. God has been so faithful to us up to this point and I know He is going to take care of the rest. I don't know what it's going to look like but one thing I do know is that no matter what He is in control. I'm writing this out today as I know there will come a day, could be later today, that I will need to listen to this song and reread my words and remind myself what I should be doing.

We have taken such a huge step of faith and it's pretty scary at times to really try and wrap my brain around it all. Steve has no job here. He wants to go to school. We still have bills to pay. We need money to live on. Kiersten wants to stay in gymnastics and that takes money. So many of my worries today are focused on money and I want to realease that into Papa's hands. He know my worries and my heart and I know He will take care of us.

Thank you God for bringing us this far and I know you will take care of us. Forgive my wavering heart and help me to trust in you. Thank you for all you are doing in our lives and give me a peaceful heart in the midst of not seeing how it will all work out. But I trust you and I know You are in control.

Ramblings...

Today has been a pretty hard day of missing my husband and my friends and just everything that is comfortable to me.  I sat in church alone again trying to get over my feelings of every looking at me thinking that I'm a single mom or something like that.  I know that sounds pretty vain but just the thoughts that run through my head!  I haven't really talked to anyone yet and it never ceases to amaze how you can be in a huge group of people and still feel so very lonely.  I know I should feel confindent to introduce myself but I just haven't been there.  Thankfully I have met some wonderful ladies at a Thursday bible study but I don't seem to see many of them Sunday morning; I'm probaly just not looking to good either.

It's hard going from 7 years of home church to the corportate church and I'm just really missing the relationships and the community we had.  Even in the times it was tough I still had a place to call "home" in their lives and they knew me.  I'm trying hard not to be judgmental in the "program" part of the church as I know it has to run like that to make it work but it just makes me miss our home group so much.  :(  And not having Steve by my side is hard.  I know things will have such a better outlook when he finally gets here and we can start this journey together.  Today has been 30 days since he left and it's hard.

I'm amazed at how hard homesickness hits me sometimes and its really hard.  I was fine when I woke up this morning and then came church and just sitting there by myself.  And then knowing that this afternoon our friends were gathering for a garden party with our home church and really wanting to be there brought the tears.  I had just posted something on facebook about being weepy for my friends and about 2 minutes after that my phone rang and it was a friend from home.  As I looked at the picture id I about bursted out in tears and did when I heard her voice.  I'm so thankful that Papa knew just what I needed at just the right moment.  I have no doubt that He orchrastrated that call just for me. 

I know it takes time...sigh....

This song is so much on my heart today and right where I am at...

What if?

That is a phrase that I have never really liked much because there is so much you can't know or control by saying it.  There is so much that can be left open in answering that question and so much uncertainity that it has always pretty much drove me crazy.  :)  There are questions that I don't mind dreaming about but being the concrete person that I am for the most part, I like to have a more direct questions and answers.  Ones that I can really see the outcome.  Or at least see happening rather than guessing "if" that could really happen.

Today I read Donald Miller's blog and it really challenged me to think of "what if" in a whole different light.  I loved it!  One of the phrases that stood out to me most in his blog was this...

"God gives life to you to live, and you can either tell meaningful stories or boring stories. We can’t wait around anymore for God to make something happen in our lives, meanwhile we shop at Bed Bath and Beyond. The truth is, God gives you wisdom and direction and morality and His presence and support, and then asks you to live, to conquer, to risk and experience the whole of life. People grow when they are in motion."

He challenged his readers to write down 5 things using the phrase "what if" and to pick one of them and actually follow through on one of them.  The whole part of following through with one of them has been on my mind all day.  I have honestly never let myself think this way and it was like God was opening up my heart to a new way of thinking.  I sat and thought of the things that I would write down and the things that are going on in our lives right now.  I feel like our lives are one big "what if" right now that we are living out.  It's cool to see that we had already walked through this in a way and were living out a big "what if"  For us that would be "what if we packed up all our belongings, put them in storage for a year, leave all of our friends and move 15 hours away to Missouri to where we have no work and Steve will go to school?"  Sounds pretty crazy huh?  But that is exactly what we are doing!  God made things so clear that this was what we are to do but there is still so much that we don't know but we are walking it out in faith.  And we are definately growing as we are in motion!  This is hard, especially right now with Steve not being here, but we are growing and experiencing and walking it out.  We are on a journey with a big "what if" and it's wonderful to know that God is in control even if we don't see it or know the outcome.  We are doing it and His hand it guiding our every step.  I will never see the big "what if" in the same way and for that I am thankful!

I Surrender!

Our live seems to be in the huge upheaval right now and daily I am reminded that God is calling me to surrender everything to Him.  Daily, well almost each second, I am falling back on Papa for his strength as I feel so weak these days.  I'm excited for what God is doing in us right now as a family but it's hard to see the big picture right now.  And I hold on tightly to the promises of God and the many confirmations that He gave us to bring us to the spot we are in right now. 

I think the hardest part of it all right now is Steve being gone and feeling like my life is in this holding pattern until he gets here.  I miss him so much.  It's been 3 weeks today.  I know there are so many people that don't have their spouses around them for much longer than that but this is new to me.  But he is in the place that used to be our home and can be with all our friends if he wants and that is hard.  I know his end is just as hard as mine with all the work he is doing and that he is working as fast as he can, but it's still just hard.  I don't like it one bit. 

I miss my friends so much too.  I miss our girls nights out, daily lunches, movies, the chocolate lounge, just hanging out, working out with them, homeschool co-op and so much more.  I hope they keep in touch with me and that the distance between us right now doesn't hinder those relationships.  I miss how comfortable we are with each other and reaching out to make new friends is hard sometimes when all I want to do is go "home". 

I'm excited for what God is doing in our lives right now and I need to be able to see the adventure in it all but sometimes it's hard.  I"m so thankful that God knew that I needed to be able to fall back on His promises and His faithfulness of how He worked to bring us to where we are now because I remind myself of it all daily.  I'm happy that we have a God that always finishes our story and never leaves us hanging.  I may not be able to see the big picture right now but He does and that is all I need to know even when it's hard.  I hold tightly onto what He has shown us and trust Him for the rest whenever that will be. 

Today I surrender!  I surrender my hopes, my dreams, my wants, my desires and I fall on His grace to see me through becasue I know He is good.  Thank you Papa for bringing me to the spot I am in today, even when it's hard; especially when it's hard.

Remembering this today....

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

 

No more shame!

Today my Redeemer lives and  my shame was nailed to the cross!  Instead of shame, we have grace today because our Saviour died on the cross for us.  My heart is truly overwhelmed this morning as I sit here and think about the hope that was birthed today so many years ago.  Thank you Jesus for dying for us so that we may walk in your hope and grace.  Thank you Papa for giving us your only Son so that we may live today.  My heart is full today with your love and so thankful for the sacrafice that was made so that I may have eternal life in You and walk with You. 

May I Never Lose the Wonder!

O precious sight, my Savior stands,
Dying for me with outstretched hands.
O precious sight, I love to gaze,
Remembering salvation’s day,
Remembering salvation’s day.
Though my eyes linger on this scene,
May passing time and years not steal
The power with which it impacts me,
The freshness of its mystery,
The freshness of its mystery.

May I never lose the wonder,
The wonder of the cross.
May I see it like the first time
Standing as a sinner lost,
Undone by mercy and left speechless,
Watching wide eyed at the cost.
May I never lose the wonder,
The wonder of the cross.

Behold the God-man crucified,
The perfect sinless sacrifice.
As blood ran down those nails and wood,
History was split in two, yes,
History was split in two.
Behold the empty wooden tree,
His body gone, alive and free.
We sing with everlasting joy,
For sin and death have been destroyed, yes,
Sin and death have been destroyed.

May I never lose the wonder,
The wonder of the cross.
May I see it like the first time
Standing as a sinner lost,
Undone by mercy and left speechless,
Watching wide eyed at the cost.
May I never lose the wonder,
The wonder of the cross.

May I never lose the wonder,
The wonder of the cross.
May I see it like the first time
Standing as a sinner lost,
Undone by mercy and left speechless,
Watching wide eyed at the cost.
May I never lose the wonder,
The wonder of the cross.

We all need reminders sometimes!

I attended a bible study this morning and God reminded me of some things I needed to hear and it was just what I needed.  I was already stepping out of my comfort zone and going to a group of all new ladies and new church and debated over even going but once I got there I was so glad that I did.  Even it if were just for what Papa said to my heart while we were there but was even pleasantly surprised at how comfortable I felt in the midst of all the newness and how welcome the ladies made me and Kiersten feel.  It was so needed!  

 They are doing a Beth Moore bible study of Daniel and the video that was for today could not have been more perfect for me.  We have gone through so much change in the past month and although we know we are doing what God has told us to do it isn't always easy and it is even easier to get my eyes on the circumstances and to start worrying about stuff.  

Beth talked about the first verse below today and how so often Satan puts his seal on things and for alot of people, especially from those looking from the outside, it seems that things are finished.  Just like when they rolled the stone over Jesus' grave as well!  But God has different plans then those of man and causes good to come out of those situations.  We took a huge step of faith to be where we are right now and I don't see the big picture but I know that God isn't going to bring us this far to leave us alone (or in the lion's den to be eaten alive!) We have put our trust in Him and followed His voice and I know that He will lead us the rest of the way.  

I am missing my husband terribly and as I sit here wishing he were with me I have time to question what the heck we have done.  Sometimes time is just a killer!  And I'm missing the comfort of my friends and the easiness of our relationships that we have gained throughout the years of friendship.  So much newness to take in all at once and it's not all easy, epsecially without my best friend at my side.  But thankfully I have God on my side and reminded me of that so gently this morning and how easily I forget that when I get my eyes on my circumstances.  My eyes are fixed on Him today as He gently reminded that He is right by my side and as long as we keep our eyes on Him we will be just fine! 

 Daniel 6:17-24 (New International Version)

 ¹⁷ A stone was brought and placed over the mouth of the den, and the king sealed it with his own signet ring and with the rings of his nobles, so that Daniel's situation might not be changed. ¹⁸ Then the king returned to his palace and spent the night without eating and without any entertainment being brought to him. And he could not sleep.

 ¹⁹ At the first light of dawn, the king got up and hurried to the lions' den. ²⁰ When he came near the den, he called to Daniel in an anguished voice, "Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to rescue you from the lions?"

 ²¹ Daniel answered, "O king, live forever! ²² My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions. They have not hurt me, because I was found innocent in his sight. Nor have I ever done any wrong before you, O king."

 ²³ The king was overjoyed and gave orders to lift Daniel out of the den. And when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God.

Welcome to my home!

 We moved here almost 7 months ago and I did it with mixed feelings.  We were at a point in our life that we felt very strongly that God may be moving us on from this area.  It wasn't something that we were looking for really but things were falling in place in ways we didn't see coming.  It was exciting, scary, exhilarating and nerve wracking all in the same breath!  I was at a place personally, where I was very ready to move to something new.  We pursued it strongly in every way we could but were eventually met with closed doors.  We were pretty confused as we felt this was something the Lord has spoken to us and something we weren't looking for.  The closed doors were something we didn't expect at all, with so many other things falling in place, so we had to take a step back and reevaluate things.

We were at a point where we were living that we could stay or move on and we decided to move on.  In my heart the moving on was not to be in this area, so it was hard to look.  I know I looked half heartedly at the places we went to.  I liked the place we chose but my heart wasn't completely there.  It was hard to feel something so strongly only to be met with closed doors and not really understand why all that happened.  I was really questioning God in all this and in all honestly was a little angry, confused and sad.  But the task of packing and moving was before us, so I set my head to it and got things done.  My heart would have to come along in time. It's hard to put your heart into things when you felt so strongly about something that was going to happen and then it didn't.  I felt like someone had hit the pause button on my life and I was just going through the motions.

Making my home a comfortable welcoming place has always been important to me.  I liked where we were living but it wasn't the home that I knew it could be.  It took me 6 months to hang pictures and that is pretty big for me as pictures are very important to me and I love filling my home with them.  I tried to put it off as we were just too busy to hang them but I knew it was more than that.  The pause button was still on in my heart and I was just trying to figure things out.  You wouldn't think that something as simple as hanging pictures would be so profound, but for me it was.  After we had finished, I sat down and felt  at home for the first time in a long time.  It was so much more than just pictures staring back at me.  It was love, life, family, peace, contentment.  It was at that moment that I knew the pause button had been released on my heart and I was in play mode now.  It was the attitude of my heart that had changed.

So for the past month I have been concentrating on making my house a home and I am loving it so much.  For the first time in a long time, I feel like at home in my home.  I still don't know what all the previous stuff was about possibly moving, and I have to be honest that I still question God what that was all about, but I am content and that feels good. 

I am a cracked pot!

Romans 9:20-24 (The Message)

 ^20-33Who in the world do you think you are to second-guess God? Do you for one moment suppose any of us knows enough to call God into question? Clay doesn't talk back to the fingers that mold it, saying, "Why did you shape me like this?" Isn't it obvious that a potter has a perfect right to shape one lump of clay into a vase for holding flowers and another into a pot for cooking beans? If God needs one style of pottery especially designed to show his angry displeasure and another style carefully crafted to show his glorious goodness, isn't that all right? Either or both happens to Jews, but it also happens to the other people. Hosea put it well:

   I'll call nobodies and make them somebodies;
      I'll call the unloved and make them beloved.
   In the place where they yelled out, "You're nobody!"
      they're calling you "God's living children."

   Isaiah maintained this same emphasis:
   If each grain of sand on the seashore were numbered
      and the sum labeled "chosen of God,"
   They'd be numbers still, not names;
      salvation comes by personal selection.
   God doesn't count us; he calls us by name.
      Arithmetic is not his focus.
Isaiah had looked ahead and spoken the truth:
   If our powerful God
      had not provided us a legacy of living children,
   We would have ended up like ghost towns,
      like Sodom and Gomorrah.
How can we sum this up? All those people who didn't seem interested in what God was doing actually embraced what God was doing as he straightened out their lives. And Israel, who seemed so interested in reading and talking about what God was doing, missed it. How could they miss it? Because instead of trusting God, they took over. They were absorbed in what they themselves were doing. They were so absorbed in their "God projects" that they didn't notice God right in front of them, like a huge rock in the middle of the road. And so they stumbled into him and went sprawling. Isaiah (again!) gives us the metaphor for pulling this together:

   Careful! I've put a huge stone on the road to Mount Zion,
      a stone you can't get around.
   But the stone is me! If you're looking for me,
      you'll find me on the way, not in the way.

I am a cracked pot! Are you?

Years ago, Steve and I were involved in a ministry where we did this illustration with a clay pot.  It became something that really defined my relationship with Papa.  We first learned of the whole cracked pot concept through Patsy Clairmont.

We turned it into a bible study of sorts and used it to minister to people in a visual way that really touched a lot of lives.  It's one of those visuals that sticks with you years after you see it and God used it in so many wonderful ways in the lives of people we were able to minister to.  Today I needed to be reminded of it.  I've been feeling kind of down lately and just needed something to wake up my sleepy soul.  I needed to be reminded that even though there are days I feel absolutely useless, that is not at all how Papa sees it.  He sees the cracks in "my pot" and knows exactly why each one happened.  He was there when each one happened.  He rubbed his healing balm over the rough pieces to make them not hurt so much.  He saw every tear that was cried for the brokenness that I felt.  He was one the one who put my broken life back together and made it what it is today.

It is a cracked pot, yes, but one that shines with His workmanship and His glory from the inside out.  I have been feeling pretty dim lately and needing Him to shine brighter in my life.  I have tried to take control of things that I need to let Him handle.  It is because of the cracks in my pot that I can shine and only because of Him.  It is out of the broken places that His glory shines and let's other see Him in my life. 

Papa I need you to be the bright light that shines from the inside of me to the outside world.  Forgive me for trying to take control of things that You can handle so much better than me.  Please use my broken spots to shine Your glory into a dark world.  Help me to depend on You to get me through the brokenness that I feel now.

New Jason Upton cd!

Jason Upton is one of my all time favorite praise and worship singers and he has a new cd I highly recommend!  If you want something to usher you straight in to the presence of Papa this is it!  I could sit and listen to him for hours! (and have!)

Quote...

Have you ever found a quote that you can't get out of your mind? I found this a few days ago and just loved it! I made this to print out and put on my mirror to read daily. I love the phrase "the mystery of life"! We are given each day and I would love to let the mystery of that day guide my each step and cause me to live in that wonder of it. And then "life itself is grace." Wow...that is so very true. If we were only able to give ourselves the grace to live unabandoned and not be so hard on ourselves and others. I'm turning this into a prayer as I face the week ahead and praying the Papa would give me the joy in the mystery of this life He has blessed me with and the grace I need to go easier on myself and those He has placed in my life on this journey of life.

**if you want to copy this for yourself you can by clicking on it and it will appear in a new window much larger and then you can simply right click on it and save to your computer or print it from there.**

Put Your Hand Upon My Heart!

I can't even begin to put into words what this song has done to my heart this morning. God is SO good!

Shame Off You

Steve and I started reading this book together on our trip back from Ohio and it is exactly what we needed to hear and we know the timing was perfect for us. I highly recommend this book and if you want to know more about it you can find that here.

Rambled thoughts on community...

“There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.”
I found this quite quite awhile ago and wrote in down in my journal and today it came back to my mind. Yesterday this quote came to reality in our home group and it was good...hard but good! It is pretty sad how we can go through the darkest times in our life and not let anyone into those spots. And sadly enough, that goes against everything that I have desired or ever learned or even wanted. Sometimes life just throws us curve balls that literally knock us on our *sses (yep you know what I mean!) and it is hard to get up after them. We build walls around us to protect ourselves and in the end all they really do is hurt us. We think those walls keep out the hurt, and they may just do that for some time, but life keeps moving no matter how long we stay holed up in that "safe" place. For a time, that may be what is needed. But after awhile the darkness in that place gets stifling and you need fresh air in order to be able to breathe. Yesterday I felt like I took the biggest deep breath I have in a very long time. And that came because of being vulnerable to a group of friends that I have walked this journey of faith with for some time now. We have gone through so many seasons together and this was a day of vulnerbility and it was very good. You know what it feels like when you have been holding your breath for a very long time and you finally let it all out to take a good deep breath of freah air? Well that is what happened for me yesterday as I let light shine into the dark spot I had been in and let friends speak into that with their words of life and encouragement.

I am so thankful for the friends that sat in the room with me and Steve and who are willing to continue to journey with us no matter what. It wasn't easy to share the intermost feelings of who I am, but it was good. It is still in the process of coming out but the light has begun to shine in that very dark spot and it is good. Very bright after such a long period of darkness and I feel like I have to shield my eyes, but good...very good.

Thank you Papa for drawing me closer to you each and every day!